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Amy F. Quincy Author/Freelance Writer

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Off The Grid

Unplanned blogs that don’t fit anywhere else!

Age Defiers

The neighbor across from my mom recently asked her if she’d like to go somewhere.

“That depends on where,” said my mother, ever wary of being roped into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

It was Bingo Night at the Senior Center.

I laughed out loud when my mother relayed the news of this invitation. There’s probably nothing my mother would like to do less. Try out the latest trendy restaurant, maybe. Watch the newest action flick complete with lots of cussing and gory violence, sure. Or perhaps, head downtown for a concert. But not bingo. And not the Senior Center. See, my mom is an Age Defier.

The couple across the street are lovely. But they’re more typical. She cooks and bakes, he eats. She wears housedresses, he has house slippers. They delight in their grandchildren and go square dancing at least once a month. And did I mention? They’re younger than my mom.

I’m sure it’s because I’m getting older myself, but I see Age Defiers everywhere. I have a friend, 70, who rides horses, cycles long distances and helps build houses for Habitat for Humanity. There are two men I run into regularly on their bikes when I’m out walking Frankie. They’re both approaching 80. Another 78 year-old woman I know crossed the street to greet me in her workout shorts and sports bra. And she looked good! I’d rather be caught dead than in anything sleeveless. And let’s not forget the wonderful women of my writing group. I’m the baby there at 42. The most seasoned member is 80 and recently published her novel.

I come from a long line of Age Defiers. It’s as if, being native Floridians (or in my grandmother’s case, having lived here long enough she might as well be,) they’ve found the Fountain of Youth. My father still rides an ATV on the beach during summer mornings counting sea turtle nests  like some kind of young park ranger. My 93 year-old grandmother rides a tricycle on a wooded trail two miles every day. I don’t even log two miles a day in my power chair.

I missed the age defying gene. In fact, time can’t seem to go by quick enough for me. I act well beyond my middle-aged years. I utter the phrase “Lord have mercy” on a regular basis. I often turn down the music in my mom’s car. And I once yelled at kids to stop playing in my yard when I was 31.

Stephen King must be an Age Advancer like me. My mom is reading his new behemoth-sized, 1000+ page novel, Under the Dome.  In it, he describes an “elderly” character who just turned 70. He himself is in his 60’s! By his own standards, he’s about to become elderly.

Even if I do act older in my mannerisms, I like the idea of defying stereotypes. When my dad informed me I was middle-aged at 36, I told him he was mistaken, I was young. I’m willing to admit to being middle-aged now, but I’m sure it lasts till I’m 60. And when I’m 70 for God’s sake, I’ll be a senior, not elderly. Even if I do like to play bingo (and I do.)  Besides, housedresses just make good sense in the wheelchair.

Stay off Task

Amid the crazy multi-tasking I’m attempting, with my list of things to do a mile long, a friend calls midday, “Want to go for a run on the beach?”

I should say no. There’s so much to do. And I’m actually beginning to make progress! I need to put in another load of laundry, there are dishes in the sink and I just heard the tones of more email hitting my inbox. I have newspaper articles spread out on the bed (I’m still trying to update my website,) the cat just stunk up her litter box till I can’t breathe and I have to finish writing a story for my book and writing group.

“Love to,” I say.

I don’t want to lose sight of what’s important. And something happened this past week that served as a good reminder.

The days-old grand-baby of my writing coach underwent open-heart surgery. Disturbed by her shallow breathing, doctors discovered a malformation that needed correcting. Barely out of the womb, little Lucy now recovers engulfed by a tangle of tubes and IV’s. At a time when they should be bonding and changing diapers, her parents are watching and praying as she is weaned off a ventilator. They should be sleepless, but not this way. It’ll be weeks before Lucy’s out of the ICU. Just weeks before, we listened to her first cries recorded by a proud grandmom. It’s a lesson I’ve learned before, but it bears repeating. Things can change in an instant.

As my friend and I move down the beach, she runs through the shallow water, pushing my beach wheelchair. I call it my dune buggy because of the fat tires. Another friend always slips and calls it a stroller, cause that’s what it must feel like when jogging. It’s a beautiful spring day and the cool water splashes up on my legs, then quickly dries in the sun.

When I was still in the hospital after the hemorrhage, friends took me outside to sit beside a small pond and fountain. It was just the parking lot really, but to me it might as well have been a day at the beach. My best friend says she’ll never forget the look on my face as I turned my face toward the sun and breeze and closed my eyes. Gratitude. Most people never get the chance to truly appreciate something as simple as warm sunshine on your face. I did that day, but I can already feel it slipping away.

I love the catchphrase for the TBS channel. Stay off task. But I don’t mean it like they do. They want you to watch more mindless T.V. I’m suggesting you stay off task doing something mindful. I need to repeat that slogan every so often so I don’t get bogged down by all the little, daily things.

If tragedy struck tomorrow, what could wait? Would that phone call, email or work project really matter? Of course not. Make headway on those things, yes. After all, for many of you, that’s what pays the bills. But, every once in awhile, remember to stay off task. Don’t lose sight of the important stuff: friendships, loved ones and a day at the beach.

Happy Kind and Thoughtful Day

Being able-bodied and single for so many years, I have to say that Valentine’s Day used to cause me a lot of angst. If I didn’t have a boyfriend, that fact was made painfully obvious. And if I did, there was the constant worry over what he would or wouldn’t do and the terrible disappointment of not having my expectations met. Either way, I lost.

Now, I actually enjoy the holiday. Without troubling over whether I’m alone or just with someone who makes me feel like I am, I can really get into it. I usually buy valentines for family and friends alike and Mom and I trade red cellophane hearts stuffed with chocolate and gifts so tacky they’re cute, like last year’s plush bumblebee that sang Be My Baby.

I think everyone (who doesn’t have the perfect gift-giving spouse or significant other) should know this joy without becoming disabled. That’s why I’m suggesting that every February 14th become a day of benevolence and general consideration to everyone, even strangers. You know, like the whole random acts of kindness thing, except more concentrated. Make it a day less about romantic love and partners and more about just being nice.

One of the big perks of disability is getting to see lots of human kindness. My mom jokes she likes to take me out cause we might get our bill paid. Seriously! It’s happened at two different restaurants. Some kind stranger has picked up our tab. Another time, a friend and I went shopping at a consignment store. In recounting the total, we figured I got the “wheelchair discount.” It was cheap in there, but not that cheap! And I can’t count the number of times I’ve been walking Frankie and someone has offered to pick up his poop. Can you imagine?

I think that kind of generosity should extend to everyone, not just the handicapped. And if it’s done on Valentine’s Day (or the entire month of February,) a lot of people can avoid a lot of holiday-fueled anxiety. Now, I’m not suggesting you start picking up after some stranger’s dog, but here are a few ideas to get you started:

♥ Open doors for people behind you.

♥ Let someone with just a few items in front of you at the checkout.

♥ Send e-cards to friends.

♥ Don’t forget your “thank you” wave.

♥ Give a carnation to your co-workers — all of them.

♥ Be nice to someone you don’t like.

♥ Call someone you haven’t talked to in a while.

♥ Bring treats to work (or for the health-conscious — fresh fruit.)

♥ Pay the tab of the person behind you in the drive-thru at Starbucks.

 And don’t forget — in the event my idea doesn’t take off, be kind to yourself. In my office days, I wasn’t above sending flowers to myself. From a secret admirer, of course. The person at the flower shop is the only one who’ll know. And I’m sure they get it all the time.

T.V. or Not T.V.?

That is the question. It’s Saturday morning and I’m still in my pajamas. I plan on sitting curled up in a blanket with my breakfast and watching an episode of Top Chef that I recorded earlier. I’m over the moon about this plan. You see, I willingly placed myself on a T.V. hiatus this past Monday.

It all started when a friend went on a retreat. She’s eating and meditating. That’s it. There isn’t even any talking. For ten days. My friend is a server at the retreat, so for her there is some talking. But minimal.

Your first question may be the same as my mother’s. Why? But, I get it. I do. I’ve always appreciated quiet. I enjoy time with my own thoughts. I’m not saying I need ten days worth, but I get it.

Then I got my cable bill. $150. That’s just ridiculous. First, I placed a call to my cable company. Then, I placed a call to the other cable company. (There are only two as far as I know.) After about an hour, I learned I couldn’t get any less channels for any less money. Oh, and did I mention I have to have a DVR? When you go to bed as early as I do, it’s a must. To lower my bill, I’d have to get rid of cable altogether. Could I live without television? I decided to find out.

I planned to go without Monday through Friday. I would break the spell on the weekend. (Hey, I’m not a masochist.)

Monday and Tuesday were painless and I noticed two big benefits immediately. I found the extra time I’ve been looking for. According to the Nielsen Co. (the ones who do the ratings,) the average American watches at least four and a half hours of television a day. Now, I’m sure I wasn’t watching that many, but even if you’re just watching a couple – what could you do with two extra hours in the day?

I also found I ate less. If you’re like most people, you have a tendency to snack in front of the T.V. I do. I won’t even be hungry. But if the T.V.’s on, I’m shoving it in my mouth. Knowing this trigger of mine, I tried to have healthy snacks in the house. It never occurred to me to tackle the problem the other way around, but it worked. With the T.V. off, I didn’t even think about eating, cause I wasn’t hungry.

By the time Wednesday rolled around, I missed it. I really did. At first. But then I was fine, cause I got drunk. Just kidding. I didn’t get drunk. I had one or two (okay, three) glasses of wine. (Hey, it’s hard to count them when you have to drink out of a big sippy cup!) My mom had Frankie and the house was quiet. It was dinnertime. The time when I usually settle in to watch some rerun of  Friends I’ve seen a hundred times. Instead, I turned on some classical music and ate my dinner with the concept of zen eating in mind. Chewing my food slowly, savoring each bite. I felt very refined and cultured. And you know what? I ate less again.

By the end of the week, I was actually in to Great Expectations, a book, I confess, I’ve barely picked up since I blogged about it. But you also see how much I’m looking forward to my recording of Top Chef. I swear the anticipation is actually making me happy. I doubt I would’ve felt that way about it if I’d watched T.V. all week.

Maybe, the answer lies, once again, in balance. Cutting back or doing away with the mindless watching (do I really need to watch Gladiator for the sixth time?) and saving just a few programs I really look forward to. The cable company still wins in this scenario, though.Maybe I can get Mom to record a few things. Just something to think about. After the big game, of course.

Winter Weight

I just got back from the grocery store. If, at any time during the shopping I’d left my cart somewhere, I wouldn’t have been able to claim it. I wouldn’t have recognized it as my own. It was chock full of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains and fat-free everything. It was the kind of cart you don’t mind bumping into neighbors with instead of praying to escape unnoticed with your king-sized Twix, bags of chips, and rolls of cookie dough. It was a January cart.

January carts are unlike any other. They’re fresh with the promise of new resolve. They’re a testament to our new healthy way of living, new eating plans, and new diets (though experts warn against calling anything a diet.) After bingeing my way from Halloween candy straight through to the last glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve, I (along with most of the free world) could stand to lose a few pounds. And so, it begins. Again.

I choose Weight Watchers. Because, at the risk of sounding like the ad, it works. And also because nothing is off limits. It just “costs” more of your daily points. This works well for me. Like most people, if I’m told I can’t have something, it’s the only thing I want. Of course, some common sense is in order. I once had a friend that didn’t eat all day to save her points for alcohol at a party that night. Not the best plan.

This year, in addition to counting points, I’m watching my sugar intake. Me. Who’s been known to say there’s no such thing as too sweet or too rich. But my dad was recently told he’s borderline diabetic. And my mother is always saying I consume too much of the sweet stuff. Then, at a New Year’s Eve party, someone told me all the dangers of diabetes. It’s no joke. Cardiovascular disease, kidney and nerve damage, eye and foot problems to name a few. I do like my cakes and cookies, but I’m not an idiot. Call me crazy, but I operate on signs, nudges, and intuition. When the universe seems to be shouting a message, I listen.

So, I’m trying to choose foods lower on the glycemic index. I’m also reading labels. I read somewhere that you should avoid items with more than 6g of sugar per serving. Since I’m not The Diet Nazi, I’ve stretched that to anything in the single digits. I’ve also cleared everything “bad” out of the house. I’ve learned in the past, if it’s there, I’ll eat it. I can’t do portion control. I can’t have one piece of chocolate. If there are cookies in the house, I won’t stop until I’ve consumed the entire bag. When I was relatively new to the wheelchair, I used to have junk food in the house. I could eat a few and throw the baggie full of whatever across the room, the theory being that it was just too much effort to get from the couch into the wheelchair to pick up the bag. Now that a transfer is easier, no place is out of reach. And it’s worth the effort.

The decision was made to get serious about my weight when I recently visited a fitting room. (Where did those rolls come from?) I’ve also found myself more comfortable in items with an elastic waistband, or “spring-loaded” as a friend once substituted, having forgotten the correct word.

If you, too, have a plan to trim down in 2012, I wish you much stick-to-it-ive-ness. Here’s to February, March and April carts, too. And if all else fails, may you find the perfect pair of spring-loaded pants.

Auld Lang Syne

Merry Christmas to you! I’ll assume you’re reading this after the whirlwind has subsided. So now that the presents are opened, the cookies baked, and the cards sent (or not,) it’s time to begin thinking about a holiday I can really get behind – New Year’s.

It’s easily my favorite holiday of them all. I love to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I always make resolutions. Some, like lose weight and be more patient with Mom, are repeats every year – but hey, at least I’m trying, right? That’s what clean slates are for. To try and try again.

This year, my writing coach emailed me something interesting. It was a list of assessment questions for 2011. Things like “what energized me?, what did I look forward to?, what have I regretted not doing?, and what made me cry?” She said we have to become self-aware before we can recognize patterns and choose to grow.

So this week I’ll be looking back before forward. It’s bittersweet to reflect on days gone by. I always get wistful when I hear Dan Fogelberg sing about meeting his old lover in a grocery store (you know the one?) or the notes of “Auld Lang Syne.” Even When Harry Met Sally makes me sad when she wonders what on earth the song means and he responds that he thinks it’s about old friends. But it’s a happy sad.

At a New Year’s Eve party I went to many years ago, you had to bring something from the closing year to toss into a big bonfire. Everyone took turns going around the circle explaining what they would be burning and why. A recent grad brought textbooks to burn. They were so fat, the fire went out. Practicality aside, it’s a nice tradition.

I like to dip my feet in the ocean on the 1st (my version of a polar plunge.) Others stay home to cook a big pot of black-eyed peas and ham hocks. In Spain, they eat 12 grapes at midnight to secure 12 months of happiness in the coming year. In Japan, misunderstandings and grudges are forgiven and houses are scrubbed. Buddhist temples strike their gongs 108 times in an effort to expel the 108 kinds of human weakness. 108!

Whatever your tradition, I wish you and yours all the best for 2012. And wherever you are when they play that familiar song, I’ll be somewhere feeling nostalgic. Happy New Year.

Snap Out of It!

I’ve been in a bad mood for a week now. The universe seems to be conspiring against me. Bad things keep happening, creating a kind of chicken and egg scenario. Am I in a bad mood because things keep going wrong? Or do things keep going wrong because I’m in a bad mood? You know the theory: send yuck out, get yuck back. I’m like Pig Pen, only instead of dirt, I have a cloud of negative energy surrounding me. Don’t come                                                 into my force field if you know what’s good for you.

Recently, an unsuspecting friend got sucked in. When she came to the door, I was struggling to get my wheelchair, myself, and a bag of garbage outside all while keeping Frankie in. Hearing her voice, he pushed past me. Once outside, he took off down the street. My friend gave chase, inspiring him to greater speeds. And she left without food. One thing I know about Frankie — he doesn’t care who you are or what you have to say unless there’s food in your hand.

While they circled the block, I stayed inside to stew, worry, and generally be useless. Unfortunately, during the first few moments of Frankie’s escape, with everyone outside and the door open, Bella had seized her own opportunity. When I managed to get back outside (in full-blown panic,) I found her tiptoeing across the carport. I scared her back in with lots of yelling and foot stomping, just as my friend and Frankie came back, Frankie leading the way. He walked in of his own accord to collapse on the tile floor, dirty and panting. I’m not sure she ever caught up to him.

The day before that, I spilled milk all over my legs and the floor. And the day before that, a bag of dog food. It tipped over in my lap and of course, I made it worse trying to right it, sending kibbles flying throughout the kitchen. Frankie was helpful during the cleanup in both instances.

To understand how this happens, first you need to realize that pictures don’t do me justice. You really must see me in action to begin to understand just how uncoordinated my handicap makes me. The other night, for example, I planned to read in bed when I threw a pillow onto the floor. It hit the cord of the ceiling fan light, sending it up into the blades (which were spinning.) The cord broke and was whipped across the room, leaving Bella and I on the bed in complete surprise and darkness in a matter of seconds.

Enough is enough. During the season of merriment, when everyone is at their jolliest, I don’t like being the bah-humbug type. So, I researched some cures that guarantee to banish the blues. If you’ve been grumpy too, here’s what you might be missing:

Exercise – It’s long been known that working up a sweat releases feel-good neurotransmitters, like endorphins, into the brain.

Vitamin D – When the days are shorter and the weather’s worse, your body could be running short of “the sunshine vitamin.” Upping your intake can rebalance your mood.

Friendship – Feeling alone can only increase bad feelings. Don’t isolate yourself. Pick up the phone and call a friend.

Fish – Try to have 2-3 servings a week of the omega-3 fatty acids found in fish or take a daily fish oil supplement.

Chocolate – Some sources say to cut back on sweets to avoid suffering from a sugar “crash.” Others point out all the wonderful ingredients and properties, including mood-enhancing dopamine, that make chocolate good for you. Guess which take I’m going with?

Having just finished a nice bar of chocolate and making a lunch date with a friend, I can feel the cloud beginning to lift. I think my funk is starting to fizzle. I even think I’ll listen to some (dare I say it?) Christmas carols.

We Remember

It seems disrespectful to write about anything else today. We’ll all go about our business, but it will be there. The knowledge. The memory. The grief that marks any big anniversary of loss. And this is a big one. So, no funny dog story today. Today, I remember …

Exactly ten years ago, I was at a yoga teacher training. We were stretching into a pose, or breathing, or meditating. I don’t recall. What I do remember is some girl with a cell phone screaming about something her husband had just seen on the news. The students, myself included, were annoyed with her for letting her phone ring and interrupting our peace with some current event from the outside world. I didn’t pay attention to her hysterics. We broke for lunch. By the time we returned, we understood. Things would never be the same.

Blooming in 2009
Replanted in 2001

Of all of the stories told to mark the occasion in the recent weeks, I think I’ve been most touched by the “Survivor Tree.” A lone callery pear was the only tree to survive the attack. It was removed to a Bronx nursery where it was nursed back to health and returned to the World Trade Center Memorial Plaza last December. True to my optimistic nature, I embrace this story of strength, hope and renewal.

In the words of fellow yogi, Deepak Chopra, “For me and my family personally, September 11 was a reminder that life is fleeting, impermanent and uncertain. Therefore we must make use of every moment and nurture it with affection, tenderness, beauty, creativity and laughter.”

Truth in Advertising

*Reader discretion is advised. 

“It’s the cradle of life.  It’s the center of civilization.  Men have fought for it.  Even died for it.”  I have to admit.  The television had my attention.  On screen, swords and horses in medieval garb clashed .  It looked like the trailer for some epic period piece I didn’t want to miss.  And then the announcer said it.  “Hail to the V.”  It was a commercial for … well … umm … a feminine product.  Excuse me?  Did I hear correctly?  Did she just say “Hail to the V?!”

What’s happening here?  I’m all for acknowledging my feminine power, but I don’t need it hailed on national television!  I was complaining about this not-so-recent trend to my hairdresser.  Advertisers seem to be letting it all hang out.  I finally got used to all the condom and erectile dysfunction ads when there seemed to be a whole new slew of offenders.  She agreed.  She can’t stand the colorful bears with all the pieces left behind.  And the slogan.  Enjoy the go?  I detest watching the cartoon babies scrunch up their faces in concentration while competing in some kind of crapping contest set to the music “Whoop, (or is it poop?) There It Is.”  What the hell goes on in there that diapers need to come with blowout protection?  

And then there’s this candor: “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.  And start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper.”  But I don’t wanna!  Maybe I’m a fuddy-duddy, but I’m sure I’m not alone in this.  It must be real embarrassing to watch T.V. with your kids nowadays.  Imagine trying to explain why the couple in bed are so exhausted in a particular “yours and mine” commercial.  (And before you say I watch way too much T.V., I was sick last week.)

I guess these corporations know what they’re doing.  They conduct market research test groups, right?  All I’m saying is that if I did need to buy diapers, I’d be sure to avoid the brand with the cartoon babies.

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